The rules are the same:
- Each writer will get 4 picks for why they think this movie is Rad!
- They get one pick per region. Those regions being: 1) Character 2) Scene 3) Moment and 4) Line
- The authors will discuss why they made their picks.
- Through eliminations they will figure out the singular reason why this movie is Totally Rad!
Armin: Before I begin my review let me say that this movie is
HAUNTING. I have not slept with a nightlight in over 20 years, but this movie
has so shaken me to the core that I am afraid of going to sleep tonight.
Everything in this movie is OFF; it’s all puppets, but not funny puppets like
in Team America, these puppets come from an eerie, drug induced fantasy from
the twisted minds of Jim Henson and Frank Oz. People who like this movie and
especially those who’ve liked it since childhood are the very reason we have
bad things in this world. No sane or well balanced person could have seen this
as a child and not be scarred for life. I was 5 minutes in before I had to hide
myself under the covers. Yikes, what a nightmare of a world and existence these
characters inhabit. I’m glad to be here on good old planet Earth with our 1 sun
and no evil vulture-men or crab soldiers.
The Dark Crystal Tournament of Rad
Characters Region
Podlings
Armin's Pick
Now I know there is more than 1 of them, but I’d say this isn’t cheating because the Podlings are SO INTERTWINED that they act as one single entity. Plus, they’re supposed to be the cute and loveable, but they end up looking like mutated, soulless, prairie dogs. When we first meet the Podlings, they are jamming out at a party (for which we have no explanation, maybe they just always party?) on weird instruments making odd, twangy, tunes. I think I even saw a Podling in the background on his back juggling a ball with his feet. Regardless, Podlings exist only to get captured because they have absolutely no defenses to protect themselves. You’d think they would make an elaborate trap or some way to keep evil vulture-men out, but NOPE, they easily get captured. Would these guys even make good slaves? I doubt they could move anything heavy, they are tiny and sound super annoying. On the other hand, I guess Podling slaves are better than no slaves.
Armin's Pick
Now I know there is more than 1 of them, but I’d say this isn’t cheating because the Podlings are SO INTERTWINED that they act as one single entity. Plus, they’re supposed to be the cute and loveable, but they end up looking like mutated, soulless, prairie dogs. When we first meet the Podlings, they are jamming out at a party (for which we have no explanation, maybe they just always party?) on weird instruments making odd, twangy, tunes. I think I even saw a Podling in the background on his back juggling a ball with his feet. Regardless, Podlings exist only to get captured because they have absolutely no defenses to protect themselves. You’d think they would make an elaborate trap or some way to keep evil vulture-men out, but NOPE, they easily get captured. Would these guys even make good slaves? I doubt they could move anything heavy, they are tiny and sound super annoying. On the other hand, I guess Podling slaves are better than no slaves.
Aughra
Mikes's Pick
What’s not to love about this character? 1) She looks like the
offspring of Ghengis Khan having sex with the Cryptkeeper. 2) She has hard
nipples. And 3) She squats down awkwardly
to the point you aren’t sure if she is going to sit down or take a leak
on the floor.
And the Winner is...
Aughra
The one major thing the Podlings have going for them is they like to party like Ewoks. But we had to go with Aughra because she has a dope ass ability to take her eye out and she is equal parts good and terrifying for children.
Scenes Region
Trial by Stone
Armin's Pick
I
wish all grievances were settled this way! To decide who the new emperor of the
Skeksis’ these two guys square off with giant awesome looking swords. When they
busted these weapons out, I was thinking “fuck YES” to myself. However, the technical limitations of having giant
puppets means that they could not have an awesome swordfight scene. These two
bird monsters instead take chops at this already masoned rock. I got super
excited when this scene happened because all of the other vulturemen freak OUT,
I was really expecting shit to go down.
Once they took their first swings, I remembered “oh yea, puppets L” Eventually the one dude cuts the stone in half
and becomes the emperor, then immediately proceeds to call for the loser to be
raped. This dudes clothes get torn off while he’s screaming and we see lots of
scuffling, since this is a kids movie (gotta keep it PG) we can only assume they
could not have shown puppet penetration because otherwise I’d almost guarantee
they would have.
Jen's Nude Scene
Mike's Pick
I’ve always heard you should start off any story with an attention grabber and “The Dark Crystal” does not disappoint my friends. The movie has a quick intro that gives the backbone to the story and this all leads to Jen playing his flute (the musical instrument) nude by a lake. I haven’t seen such a needless nudity by a lake scene in a movie since Patrick Swayze in “Roadhouse.” It’s not often you see the main character in a children’s movie nude but I thought it was a nice touch in this one.
And the Winner is...
Trial by Stone
The buildup to this scene is fantastic and you wonder how are they going to make this puppets fight? I'll tell you how... By completely avoiding a fight and having them display their strength by chopping stone.... yes stone in half.
Moments Region
Emperor's Death
Armin's Pick
WHOA. This is intense. When the old Skeksis emperor dies he crumbles into dust, which I imagine is a pretty badass way to go out. This guy is terrifying looking, I am a fully grown adult man and this guy gave me nightmares. I’m really glad he crumbled into dust because I want nothing left of him when he’s gone. It is a shame he goes out like a bitch though: he gets up, screams that he’s still emperor, and then dies immediately after. Sidenote: this also is the precursor to the Trial by Stone/rape scene so bonus points for that.
Emotional Scarring
Mike's Pick
“Kids aren’t
tough these days.” People always say it and I believe it too. I think the reason why kids are so wimpy is
they don’t have traumatizing movies to make them toughen up. Children of the 80s went through some shit
with this movie. Let’s look at the last
few scenes of it that lead up to the
climatic finish, and let me just restate that “This is a children’s movie.”
- Landstrider Scene: As per usually in any fantasy movie there is a scene where the main characters go on a mythical creature for a Bad Ass ride but where this scene is a little different than most is as soon as Jen and Kira get off the Landstriders, both Landstriders are flippin’ murdered! One is thrown off a bridge and the other is eaten by Garthims.
- Kira’s Essence Being Drained Scene: Here we have Kira being strapped to a chair and getting her essence drained out of her (kinda traumatizing but not quite there) so how does she get out of this predicament… Well she calls to the innocent forest animals to break from their cages to help her. Upon breaking out they then starting Eating/Murdering a Skeksis and cause him to fall into the lava and die.
These two
scenes lead to our final showdown, during which children get to bear witness to
Fizzgig (the friendly dog monster) being thrown down into the lava pit and then
see Kira get stabbed in the back and killed.
Now it’s not all doom and gloom because Fizzgig lives and Kira gets brought back to life but this is why kids
were so mentally tough back then, because when we went to see a children’s
movie in the 80s we left with some deep emotional scars.
And the Winner is...
Emperor's Death
Let's just get this out of the way: All these scenes are really, really weird. I left this movie very jilted and off kilter, so this was a very close race in the moments region. The reason the Emperor's Death wins out is because of the overall messed-upness of it. I wonder if all Skeksis crumble into dust when they die, or is it only emperors? How old was this guy, cuz if he was a young vultureman it would be a lot more off-putting for him to crumble when he died. This scene just opened up more questions than it resolved, so I have to take it to move on.
"I don't have wings"
.
I know Jen and Kira are the heroes of this story, but I don't like them. I didn't really sympathize with any character in this story (maybe just Fizzgig). I can't in good conscience take the "I don't have wings!" line to win, I'd rather see this rambling, incoherent whimper from the Chamberlain be the winner out of spite. Screw you Jen, I hate you.
Lines Region
"I don't have wings"
Armin's Pick
DUH! Of course she has wings Jen, you moron! I picked this line
because it is the only explanation of how anything
in this world works. So girl Gelflings have wings and boy Gelflings do not,
thank you Dark Crystal for clearing that up. The narrator went through an
incredibly long commentary setting up the entire world, races, crystal,
prophecy, etc… and it all made no sense at all. The only time I understood
anything in The Dark Crystal was when Kira said that Jen didn’t have wings
because only girls have wings. Of course they do, and how fortuitous!
Otherwise, they would have either A) been eaten by crab-soldiers, or B) fallen
to their deaths. Thank you Kira for clearing that up for us.
.
Chamberlain's Whimper
Mike's Pick
I don’t know how to spell it but the sounds is annoying,
terrifying, and funny all wrapped into one.
If you are looking to annoy anyone, respond to them three times in a row
with this sound and I guarantee you will lose a friend.
And the Winner is...
Chamberlain's Whimper
Click Here to see the Final Four
