NeverEnding Story Tournament of Rad 1st Round

For this week, we picked  "The NeverEnding Story"

The rules are the same:

• Each writer will get 4 picks for why they think this movie is Rad!
• They get one pick per region.  Those regions being: 1) Character 2) Scene 3) Moment and 4) Line 
• The authors will discuss why they made their picks.
• Through eliminations they will figure out the singular reason why this movie is Totally Rad!

The NeverEnding Story

Characters Region

 

 

Gmork

Marc's Pick 

Time to face some hard facts kiddies; the 80’s were all about puppets and muppets.  I'm going to throw some names out at you that I'm sure will tickle your childhood fancy....That sounded weird.   Yoda.  Puppet!  Ms. Piggy.  Muppet!  Salacious Crumb.  Puppet!  Various Goblins from Labyrinth and pretty much all of Labyrinth except for Hoggle, that dude was straight up a robot.  Look it up, for real.  I think David Bowie even stuffed his cod piece with a muppet.

    Now I'm going to throw one last name out to you, Gmork, the nightmare fuel wolf of Fantasia, and the real face of evil since "The Nothing" is just that.  Sure all the characters talk about "The Nothing" like its Lord Voldemort from Harry Potter but we have nothing physical to latch onto, we just are told "The Nothing" is one bad mother.  Truth be told, when I was a kid I thought Gmork was "The Nothing" since he/it is all we ever see.  Now you might be saying, but "The Nothing" literally eats the world up like PAC-MAN losing his way, again this is a movie and without the physical presence as a kid it's really hard to fear this.  I'll tell you what still makes me piddle my whitey tighties (those are still cool to wear right?) the image of Gmork in the cave as Atreyu finds him.  Just look up, the image is right there, his gravely hissing voice, his yellow menacing yet all-knowing eyes, and he looks like a damn werewolf.  Gmork is essentially the Darth Vader to "The Nothing's" Emperor, and unlike Darth Vader Gmork doesn't go all soft on us, he's out for murder and cannot be distracted by Mel Gibson with a milk bone in his mouth.  A film is only as good as its antagonist and Gmork is one of the very best.  He's not just rad, he's radtacular.    

Rockbiter

Mikes's Pick

First off I am a huge fan of when a character’s name tells you exactly what they are. Shout out to that sweet Dick Tracy movie! Rockbiter has a lot of great qualities.  He can tell the difference between different flavors of rocks and rides a hard core tricycle.  It is rare that a character can make me crack up (especially when he’s riding his Big Wheel) but can also almost (and I said almost) bring me to tears with his “They look like big strong hands, don’t they?” speech.  I guess we can all relate to feeling like we are in control and then realizing that there are sometimes things outside of our realm of control. 

And the Winner is...

 

 

 

 

 

  Gmork

 

The gentle giant vs. the giant wolf.  We had to choose the character that would make you wet your bed at night as a child and as an adult.

 

                                                                                                                                                                                  

 Scenes Region

  Artax Takes a Horsey Nap

Marc's Pick 

    Let's face it, when we were all kids death was just something in the movies.  We were young, alive, and full of life.  Even though in our heart of hearts we all knew movies weren't real, some of them shook us to our very core.  For some it was seeing Optimus Prime die in the Transformers movie, for others it was watching Charlotte the spider die after childbirth only to leave her spider babies to a pig.

    For me it was watching Atreyu's horse Artax die of sadness, in the Swamp of Sadness.  Makes sense right?  I still just wish that horse would have got his emotional shit together man.  Not only did the horse die, but he died slowly and struggling until it just gave up and let the world swallow it whole.  Just watching those sad doe eyes vanish into black murky waters makes me well up.  Some folks had a fear of showers after "psycho" others wouldn't go back in the water after "Jaws" I avoided muddy puddles like the plague.  To this day I truly believe there is a world on the other side of the pit where a lot of sad horses are just running around talking about their problems.   

    The film of course realized later that it needed to right this wrong and also make the title of the film "The Neverending Story" make sense, so everybody comes back and the story can be read again.  Thanks "Neverending Story" for teaching me all about Death then telling me, "No worries."  Still it is just one of those scenes that are so powerful and jarring that it stays with you.truck.

Morla has the Sniffles

Mike's Pick

Atreyu is told to visit Morla, the wisest being in all Fantasia, at Shell Mountain.  And as I have said already in this blog, I’m a huge fan of literal names. The mountains a shell! That’s totally tits!  Now Morla didn’t drop any real words of wisdom, but where she is wise is in her comedy.  Morla’s physical comedy rivals that of Dick Van Dyke and Michael Richards (Before the racist stuff).  I think there is suppose to be some deeper meaning to the idea that the old don’t care what happens to the young or something… I just know I giggle with anticipation every time Morla felt a sneeze coming on.  

  

And the Winner is...

 

 

 

Artax Takes a Horsey Nap

The ONE thing that is safe in a kid's movie is the kid's pet.  Oh no no! You are wrong my friend in this movie that pet dies from depression.  Score one for "The NeverEnding Story."

                                                                                                                                                                                  

Moments Region

Boobie Trap

Marc's Pick

For a kids movie it sure demanded a lot out of my childhood.  First I had to deal with death, then my blossoming sexuality over huge golden tits.  I'm talking about Dot Matrix from "Spaceballs."  Whoops wrong movie.  I'm talking about the two well-endowed statues that guard the Southern Oracle.  These she bitches judge you on your self-confidence and just how much of a pimp you really think you are determines if you get to pass through or if they blow your damn fool head off your shoulders with laser eyes.  I feel like it's a missed opportunity that the lasers didn't come out of the nipples....That could have been symbolic of something. 

    I'm cheating here a smidge I'll admit, because I'm talking about an entire scene, so I'll narrow it down.  I just love when we see Atreyu walking up to the gate and seeing all the previous heroes’ corpses, moments like that really gives your film levity and stakes.  It was just a very cool moment.  Only thing that would have made it better would have been to hear Atreyu refer to the statues as a "Booby Trap" or at the very least overlay Data from "The Goonies" saying it.    

Falcor!!!!

 Mike's Pick

I cannot relate to Bastian on a lot of levels but when I was a kid I had a dog, a small dog that was the same type of dog as Toto from The Wizard of Oz, and I thought it was awesome to ride him around the house.   Now my dog only weighed about 15 lbs, I could only dream (and I have) how B.A. it would be to ride a multi-ton Luck Dragon around.   How could life get any better than: Saving Fantasia, Riding on huge beast, Seeing all your friends surviving The Nothing…? Oh do you remember those bullies who picked on you? Yeah we’re gonna chase them into a dumpster.   I envy you Bastian.

And the Winner is...

 

 

 

Falcor!!!!

This was a tough choice because it all boils down to what would I rather experience as a grown man, Boobs or Riding a Luck Dragon?  Falcor won this one because as a grown man no matter how pathetic I am, I can still pay to see boobs, while riding Falcor is unobtainable. 

                                                                                                                                                                                  

Lines Region

"They're Called Books"

Marc's Pick

When Mr. Koreander says:  "The Video Arcade is down the street.  Here we just sell small rectangular objects.  They're called books.  They require a little effort on your part, and make no bee-bee-bee-bee-beeps.  On your way please.

    This is an amazing summation of the purpose of this film, and I think kids today should really open their ears to Mr. Koreander's words.  Pick up a book kids and get off my damn lawn!  Also, he made some pretty sweet robot sounds.

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"Call My Name"

 Mike's Pick

When I was a kid, I remember feeling empathetic with Bastian and thinking “Yeah it’s only a story, he can’t be a part of it.”  Now as a grown man watching this movie, I’m thinking “Bastian stop being such a bitch.” Some would say that it was Bastian’s Jerk Dad that caused him to have this internal dilemma but I beg to differ.   I actually don’t think his dad was a jerk at all,  I actually give his dad points for the great parenting move of telling his 10 year old son (who’s mom recently died) to be more grounded and stop using that damn imagination.  If we had more parents like this out there, we would finally be rid of all those pesky art classes that are plaguing our Public Schools.    I think the whole problem in this scene, comes from Bastian being an idiot and not realizing he’s part of the book.  C’mon you moron she’s talking right to you!

And the Winner is...

 

 

 

"Call My Name"

We had to go with "Call My Name" because this young actress almost brought us to tears... And Mr. Koreander seems a little pervy.

Click Here to see the Final Four

 

The NeverEnding Story Round 2

The NeverEnding Story Final 4

If you are wondering how we got to these four picks read Round 1

The NeverEnding Story Tournament of Rad

 

                                                                                                                                                                                 

 

  Characters vs. Scenes

Both involve animals and both are terrifying scenes for children and adults alike.  So which one of these stuck with us throughout the years huh???

 

And the Winner is...

 

 

 

   Artax Takes a Horsey Nap 

Just stop being depressed you stupid horse! Damn you! Stop!

 

 

                                                                                                                                                                                  

 

 

Moments vs Lines Region

The trip of a lifetime or a girl who points out how lame Bastian is?   Both make strong cases and elicit strong feelings.  But who will win?

 

 

 

    And the Winner is...

 

 

 

Falcor!!!!!

  

Falcor!!!! Whew!!!! Yeah!!!! I know I still would love to experience something so joyful that my only reaction is to scream out one word sentences in excitement, but unfortunately the real world has kicked me in the balls to many times. 

Click Here to see the Final Round

 

 

The NeverEnding Story Final Round

The NeverEnding Story Final Round

If you are wondering how we got to these picks read Round 1 and Final Four

The NeverEnding Story Tournament of Rad

 

 

Final Round

 

A horse crippled by depression vs. arguably the best ride scene in cinematic history. They couldn't be further from what types of feelings they make you experience, but what one will come out ahead?

 

 

 

 

 

The Overall Reason Why This Movie is Rad is...

 

 

 

 

 

 

  Artax Takes a Horsey Nap

Here at Tournament of Rad, we have a deep appreciation of how 80's movies traumatized children and this scene hits on all cylinders.  The Falcor ride scene was a great way to end the movie but when you see the movie now, this scene almost makes you turn your head but you can't help but watch and hope that Artax makes it out (even though you know it doesn't work out for him).  What the hell is wrong with you 80's Kid's Movies? 

 

 

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Final Round

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Final Round

If you are wondering how we got to these picks read Round 1 and Final Four

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Tournament of Rad

 

 

Final Round

 

So it all has come down to this: Apartment fire/fight vs Raphael. Both are rad in the same badass ways, now it all points to execution. Raphael is a rogue tough-guy who plays by his own rules, wearing cool trenchcoats and yelling swear words to impress school-aged children, and the Apartment Fire features a huge brawl with many zany puns and stuff crumbling. Man, I don't think a ToR has seen a nail-biter this close ever. Scroll down to find out our ToR champion!

 

 

 

 

 

The Overall Reason Why This Movie is Rad is...

 

 

 

 

 

 

  April's Apartment Fire

Let me tell you why the apartment fight wins the ToR: For starters, it begins in the most badass way possible; with Raphael being thrown through a skylight. Immediately after that (seriously) Mikey says "And I thought insurance salesman were pushy!" ZING! I do wonder how much interaction Michelangelo has had with insurance salesmen, living in a sewer and all. Quickly thereafter, we are treated to a nun-chuck demonstration (please note, the fighting hasn't even started yet and my socks are already blown off). What follows next is a dizzying array of kicks, punches, smacks, jumps, flips, quips, and other related rad elements. The fight ends as radically as it began, with a good old fashioned apartment fire. Lucky for the turtles, April knows of a secret trap door so they can escape without the Foot clan following, even though they remain within direct sightlines of Tatsu the entire time. Awesome.

 

 

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 1st Round

For this week, we picked the original "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"

The rules are the same:

• Each writer will get 4 picks for why they think this movie is Rad!
• They get one pick per region.  Those regions being: 1) Character 2) Scene 3) Moment and 4) Line 
• The authors will discuss why they made their picks.
• Through eliminations they will figure out the singular reason why this movie is Totally Rad!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Tournament of Rad

   

Characters Region

 

 

Raphael

Armin's Pick 

First off, screw Leonardo – that guy is totally lame. Now that is out in the open we can address the most rude, radical member of the turtles. Raphael is known for his ‘tude, which is in full force from start to finish. TMNT: The Movie also features Raphael standing and yelling a lot; specifically yelling one word phrases really loud (“DAMN!!!” or “SPLINTER!!!!!”). He’s also the bravest of the turtles, totally going incognito wearing a trenchcoat to catch a movie, or do some recon on the Foot Clan. This is super brave mainly because no one in their right mind wears a trench coat anywhere, so Raphael either chooses to go undercover as a crazy person or he wants people to think he’s so ridiculously dressed that they will never take him serious. Raphael also spends a good chunk of the movie passed out in a bathtub, which is totally rad.

Casey Jones

Mikes's Pick

I’m gonna get down to brass tacks on why I picked Casey Jones… It’s the fact that he is a Superhero that wears sweet 90s sweatpants.  You know the kind… The gray sweatpants that have a drawstring, elastic ankles, and shows stains from bodily fluids.  Other reasons to love this character: 1) He suffered an injury and can’t play hockey, so naturally the next step is to fight crime… for some reason. 2) He is super ignorant and thinks that being claustrophobic means you like boys. 3) He thinks that Raphael (A giant mutated turtle) is just a bald punker with green paint on.  4) He wears 90s sweatpants … 90s sweatpant!

And the Winner is...

 

 

 

 

 

  Raphael

 

We had to give it to Raph just because he was such a strong character.  When I first saw this movie, I thought he was a total A-hole but rewatching it now I see he is pretty Bad Ass. Additionally, a trench coat is a way better disguise than a hockey mask.

 

                                                                                                                                                                                  

 Scenes Region

  Splinter's Origin

Armin's Pick 

As a long time Turtles fan I’ve seen the origin told time and time again, only one thing is sure; Splinter’s past is shrouded in mystery. TMNT has my favorite Splinter story by far, we learn that splinter was the pet of a kind ninja master. Taking full advantage of this, pre-mutated splinter would practice ninja moves alongside his master. Side note: This makes waaaaaaaay more sense than the Michael Bay TMNT, where Splinter learned ninja moves from reading a ninja book (even the smartest of pre-mutated rats can’t read).

We then see Shredder kill Splinter’s master and his girlfriend in a double homicide, only to have Splinter freed from his cage in the tussle. Splinter claws Shredder in the face (causing him to wear a bad ass mask), Shredder in turn slices off Splinter’s ear.

Wow. That is how you set up motivation and conflict for characters. Spoiler alert; This rivalry comes to an apex when Splinter defeats Shredder by dropping him into a garbage truck.

April's Apartment Fire

Mike's Pick

First it starts with a nun-chuck off, which is badass! Even though Michaelangelo totally serves the Foot Ninja, a fight ensues.  Michaelangelo definitely steals this scene with a few unorthodox moves: His first move is not taught at any ninja academy that I know of.  It is called the “Wheel of Fortune” in which he is on his back and gets spun around for 10 seconds and knocks out around 15 members of the Foot.  The Foot Clan is super pissed at this point and gets out axes.  Now I’m not sure if it is because the Turtles are super good ninjas or if it’s because the Foot is super inept (probably because the Turtles are good ninjas) but the clan keep hacking and missing with their axes and are hitting the floor.  They hit it so much that the floor collapses and they go in the basement. Now we get to the next totally rad part… Musical instruments being used as weapons.  Back in the 80s and 90s this was pretty standard.  First Donatello gets his head smashed into some Piano keys to make a few notes, and then Michaelangelo takes a pair of cymbals and performs the ultimate 80s/90s move of smashing a Foot member’s head in between them.  I am pretty sure I shit my 9 year old pants after I saw this scene. 

 

And the Winner is...

 

 

 

April's Apartment Fire

Now seeing a Rat do Ninjutsu is pretty rad but seeing ever day instruments being used as weapons.... Now that is Totally Rad!

                                                                                                                                                                                  

Moments Region

Walking in Sewer

Armin's Pick

Nothing encapsulates the Ninja Turtles more than walking in a sewer and saying cool words. Here is a run down of the exchange:

 Leo - “Awesome!”

Mikey - “Righteous!”

Donny - “Bossa Nova!”

Mikey - “Dude, ‘Bossa Nova?’”

Donny - “Chevy Nova?”

Donny - “EXCELLENT!”

This is the movie pretty much all wrapped up in a neat little package, the Turtles do something cool and then discuss how great of a job they did. They also do this exact same thing later in the movie, only Raphael says “Bitchin!” – WHOA, heavy for a kids movie. 

Tatsu Tactics

 Mike's Pick

The strong silent “Go to Man” of the Foot has some inspirational techniques that we can all learn from.  His clan is so well trained that during a battle he doesn’t even have to tell them anything, he just makes a fist and they know to rage.  When it’s time to retreat, he says “Ninja… Vanish” and 50 ninja  are gone like the breeze.  What happens when all of the wounded troops retreat back to the Foot Clan Teenage Casino Hideout?  Tatsu feels they need some inspiration so he (a 40 year old man) starts just beating the shit out of these ninja teenagers and almost kills one.  If I had a coach like him in High School, we would’ve won a State Title.

Side note: While looking at stuff for this article I saw that Tatsu had 2 listings in the cast sheet.  One was for the actor and one was for the voice of the character.  He said like 5 words for the entire movie!

 

And the Winner is...

 

 

 

Walking in the Sewer

This scene was so awesome in the 90s that kids tried to go down into the sewers to look for the turtles and they died.

                                                                                                                                                                                  

Lines Region

"Damn!!"

Armin's Pick

Not to brag, but I saw this movie in the theaters when I was 7 years old. I know it’s only one word, but this is the one that has honest to goodness stuck in my mind for the past 25 years. Every time I had ever seen the Turtles they were fun and polite, but when Raphael dropped this “DAMN!” It was EARTH-SHATTERING. Raph was pissed, and it was for real this time. I told all the kids at school about Raph screaming DAMN!! They looked at me like I was telling war stories from ‘Nam. Nothing captures the raw emotion of losing your rat-sensei like this line, NOTHING.

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"I made a funny"

 Mike's Pick

This precedes a fight in which Splinter defeats his arch-rival Shredder (and I am pretty sure Casey Jones attempts murder by closing a garbage truck compactor on him).  The Turtles all say “Cowabunga” and do a high five where they hold it for just long enough where you think they will start rolling the credits. But they can’t roll the credits because Splinter starts cracking up and says “I made a funny.”  This causes the Turtles to just straight up start dancing.  All around… Magnificent!

 

And the Winner is...

 

 

 

"I made a funny"

Any line that causes people to start dancing is A+ in our books.

Click Here to see the Final Four