Tournament of Rad Movie Reviews: June 2015

For this week, we picked "The NeverEnding Story"

The rules are the same:

Each writer will get 4 picks for why they think this movie is Rad!
They get one pick per region. Those regions being: 1) Character 2) Scene 3) Moment and 4) Line
The authors will discuss why they made their picks.
Through eliminations they will figure out the singular reason why this movie is Totally Rad!

The NeverEnding Story

Characters Region

Gmork

Marc's Pick

Time to face some hard facts kiddies; the 80’s were all about puppets and muppets. I'm going to throw some names out at you that I'm sure will tickle your childhood fancy....That sounded weird. Yoda. Puppet! Ms. Piggy. Muppet! Salacious Crumb. Puppet! Various Goblins from Labyrinth and pretty much all of Labyrinth except for Hoggle, that dude was straight up a robot. Look it up, for real. I think David Bowie even stuffed his cod piece with a muppet.

Now I'm going to throw one last name out to you, Gmork, the nightmare fuel wolf of Fantasia, and the real face of evil since "The Nothing" is just that. Sure all the characters talk about "The Nothing" like its Lord Voldemort from Harry Potter but we have nothing physical to latch onto, we just are told "The Nothing" is one bad mother. Truth be told, when I was a kid I thought Gmork was "The Nothing" since he/it is all we ever see. Now you might be saying, but "The Nothing" literally eats the world up like PAC-MAN losing his way, again this is a movie and without the physical presence as a kid it's really hard to fear this. I'll tell you what still makes me piddle my whitey tighties (those are still cool to wear right?) the image of Gmork in the cave as Atreyu finds him. Just look up, the image is right there, his gravely hissing voice, his yellow menacing yet all-knowing eyes, and he looks like a damn werewolf. Gmork is essentially the Darth Vader to "The Nothing's" Emperor, and unlike Darth Vader Gmork doesn't go all soft on us, he's out for murder and cannot be distracted by Mel Gibson with a milk bone in his mouth. A film is only as good as its antagonist and Gmork is one of the very best. He's not just rad, he's radtacular.

Rockbiter

Mikes's Pick

First off I am a huge fan of when a character’s name tells you exactly what they are. Shout out to that sweet Dick Tracy movie! Rockbiter has a lot of great qualities. He can tell the difference between different flavors of rocks and rides a hard core tricycle. It is rare that a character can make me crack up (especially when he’s riding his Big Wheel) but can also almost (and I said almost) bring me to tears with his “They look like big strong hands, don’t they?” speech. I guess we can all relate to feeling like we are in control and then realizing that there are sometimes things outside of our realm of control.

And the Winner is...

Gmork

The gentle giant vs. the giant wolf. We had to choose the character that would make you wet your bed at night as a child and as an adult.

Scenes Region

Artax Takes a Horsey Nap

Marc's Pick

Let's face it, when we were all kids death was just something in the movies. We were young, alive, and full of life. Even though in our heart of hearts we all knew movies weren't real, some of them shook us to our very core. For some it was seeing Optimus Prime die in the Transformers movie, for others it was watching Charlotte the spider die after childbirth only to leave her spider babies to a pig.

For me it was watching Atreyu's horse Artax die of sadness, in the Swamp of Sadness. Makes sense right? I still just wish that horse would have got his emotional shit together man. Not only did the horse die, but he died slowly and struggling until it just gave up and let the world swallow it whole. Just watching those sad doe eyes vanish into black murky waters makes me well up. Some folks had a fear of showers after "psycho" others wouldn't go back in the water after "Jaws" I avoided muddy puddles like the plague. To this day I truly believe there is a world on the other side of the pit where a lot of sad horses are just running around talking about their problems.

The film of course realized later that it needed to right this wrong and also make the title of the film "The Neverending Story" make sense, so everybody comes back and the story can be read again. Thanks "Neverending Story" for teaching me all about Death then telling me, "No worries." Still it is just one of those scenes that are so powerful and jarring that it stays with you.truck.

Morla has the Sniffles

Mike's Pick

Atreyu is told to visit Morla, the wisest being in all Fantasia, at Shell Mountain. And as I have said already in this blog, I’m a huge fan of literal names. The mountains a shell! That’s totally tits! Now Morla didn’t drop any real words of wisdom, but where she is wise is in her comedy. Morla’s physical comedy rivals that of Dick Van Dyke and Michael Richards (Before the racist stuff). I think there is suppose to be some deeper meaning to the idea that the old don’t care what happens to the young or something… I just know I giggle with anticipation every time Morla felt a sneeze coming on.

And the Winner is...

Artax Takes a Horsey Nap

The ONE thing that is safe in a kid's movie is the kid's pet. Oh no no! You are wrong my friend in this movie that pet dies from depression. Score one for "The NeverEnding Story."

Moments Region

Boobie Trap

Marc's Pick

For a kids movie it sure demanded a lot out of my childhood. First I had to deal with death, then my blossoming sexuality over huge golden tits. I'm talking about Dot Matrix from "Spaceballs." Whoops wrong movie. I'm talking about the two well-endowed statues that guard the Southern Oracle. These she bitches judge you on your self-confidence and just how much of a pimp you really think you are determines if you get to pass through or if they blow your damn fool head off your shoulders with laser eyes. I feel like it's a missed opportunity that the lasers didn't come out of the nipples....That could have been symbolic of something.

I'm cheating here a smidge I'll admit, because I'm talking about an entire scene, so I'll narrow it down. I just love when we see Atreyu walking up to the gate and seeing all the previous heroes’ corpses, moments like that really gives your film levity and stakes. It was just a very cool moment. Only thing that would have made it better would have been to hear Atreyu refer to the statues as a "Booby Trap" or at the very least overlay Data from "The Goonies" saying it.

Falcor!!!!

Mike's Pick

I cannot relate to Bastian on a lot of levels but when I was a kid I had a dog, a small dog that was the same type of dog as Toto from The Wizard of Oz, and I thought it was awesome to ride him around the house. Now my dog only weighed about 15 lbs, I could only dream (and I have) how B.A. it would be to ride a multi-ton Luck Dragon around. How could life get any better than: Saving Fantasia, Riding on huge beast, Seeing all your friends surviving The Nothing…? Oh do you remember those bullies who picked on you? Yeah we’re gonna chase them into a dumpster. I envy you Bastian.

And the Winner is...

Falcor!!!!

This was a tough choice because it all boils down to what would I rather experience as a grown man, Boobs or Riding a Luck Dragon? Falcor won this one because as a grown man no matter how pathetic I am, I can still pay to see boobs, while riding Falcor is unobtainable.

Lines Region

"They're Called Books"

Marc's Pick

When Mr. Koreander says: "The Video Arcade is down the street. Here we just sell small rectangular objects. They're called books. They require a little effort on your part, and make no bee-bee-bee-bee-beeps. On your way please.

This is an amazing summation of the purpose of this film, and I think kids today should really open their ears to Mr. Koreander's words. Pick up a book kids and get off my damn lawn! Also, he made some pretty sweet robot sounds.

"Call My Name"

Mike's Pick

When I was a kid, I remember feeling empathetic with Bastian and thinking “Yeah it’s only a story, he can’t be a part of it.” Now as a grown man watching this movie, I’m thinking “Bastian stop being such a bitch.” Some would say that it was Bastian’s Jerk Dad that caused him to have this internal dilemma but I beg to differ. I actually don’t think his dad was a jerk at all, I actually give his dad points for the great parenting move of telling his 10 year old son (who’s mom recently died) to be more grounded and stop using that damn imagination. If we had more parents like this out there, we would finally be rid of all those pesky art classes that are plaguing our Public Schools. I think the whole problem in this scene, comes from Bastian being an idiot and not realizing he’s part of the book. C’mon you moron she’s talking right to you!